


Dear Phil

by howelled



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Domestic Dan Howell/Phil Lester, M/M, Sad Dan Howell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-08
Updated: 2017-03-08
Packaged: 2018-09-30 22:58:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10174319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/howelled/pseuds/howelled
Summary: Dan finds himself deprived of happiness after losing his best friend and only love after a long struggle with making their relationship public, Dan only wanted what he thought was best for them both and what made him comfortable. He didn't put much consideration on how Phil felt, leaving him baffled and in a constant battle with reality.- based off of Ed Sheeran's song Happier





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Happier](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/272078) by Ed Sheeran. 



> This short story is based off of Ed Sheeran's song "Happier" in order to understand this, I advise you listen to the song first or as you read it. Make sure to leave us feedback, we hope you like it!  
> 

Dear Phil,

Today I saw you walking down 29th and Park, along with someone else. He looked like a nice guy, from what i could tell. Your smile seemed wider than I had ever seen it before. I almost debated saying hello, or maybe a simple wave would have been easier now that i think about it. I decided i didn't want to disturb your smile. I've always liked your smile, the way your lips curved so perfectly along the stretch, the way you'd bite the end of your tongue to prevent small giggles from escaping, knowing that I would comment on them, they were music to me. It was scary, because nothing about the situation seemed empty or lost in your eyes. The twinkle in them still gleamed as you walked by, I wasn't expecting it not to, it's just been awhile since i had last seen it. I felt a small dosage of dopamine shoot me up the back, but it wasn't enough and the pounding of my heart covered my thoughts with a blanket so all that I could feel was numb as I watched you and him, with locked hands, pass by.  
Nothing compared to the burning sensation I experienced after i witnessed this, after I saw the man of my dreams and of my past slam the door on my chest. I heard him say something to you, your laughter rang in my head for hours after. I was locked in for quite some while before I could regain the strength and the want to go home. You looked happier. This, i could understand. I hurt you. I am so sorry I'm incapable of interaction, I wanted so bad for you to just agree with me and for our lives to continue the way they were. Life was easy and we were in love, but now I understand it isn't always the same for other people. I wish you would have told me, about the nights you stayed up late hoping that I would change my mind. The days you spent alone in your room, waiting for me to say something to spark an old flame which only ever led to fighting. Fighting, then crying. Something that never ceased to decrease, the fire only burned brighter when touched with the slightest drop of water. Something not even science could explain to the most intelligent individuals occupying our city. My city, once our city, once shined bright but now duller and duller everyday I have taken my strolls without you. I've come to a conclusion that i don't deserve you. No one else could ever hurt you like i hurt you, but God I love you more than anyone on this damned earth could ever. I still ask our friends about you, just to see how you're doing and they just tell me that I'll one day feel the same way you do now. Something I know my stubborn self could only feel with you. No one could make me smile like you did, I was happier with you than I was in my entire 25 years of life. Everything that once brought me unmistakable joy brings me unmistakable pain, everything in the house just reminds me of you as I sit here, nursing this empty bottle. Everything still smells of you. But i know you're happier where you are now than you were here, I just hope that you were happy here at least once. Now I experience doubt more than ever.  
If I'm being sincere, I understood why you were upset. I remember years back, you'd express to me how you wanted to just be yourself in this world full of opportunities and loving, caring communities. Part of me knew it would be easy too, everyone would still accept us as we were, but the other part of me saw rejection. I saw nothing but constant threats and trends, hashtags, everything that would live forever on the internet. But now I believe you can now be free, free to do as you please and not catch yourself in a sentence that could give anything away because everything was already out. i'm struggling still, to be myself, criticism was always a factor. it was always a factor for you too, baby but you could handle it so well. So much better than I could ever handle anything. You were stronger, so much stronger than me and you never cared what others believed of you. I assumed that it is where we clashed, I know you tried so hard to help me become more aware of myself But Ii grew into my skin in front of you. Watching you be the strong one while my head hung. I wanna apologize to you for never being there when yours hung low. I regret so much about how I reacted to certain situations.  
At this point I'm just repeating myself, telling myself that you're better off with him than with me. The pain of losing you is that of one thousand needles stuck into my body pushed farther in with each step I take in the direction away from you. Away from the person I have became through you. Phil, nothing could ever stop me from loving you. i wish for nothing but to make up everything to you. Everything we have been together is too much to let go of, I love you so much and i know you loved me, too. I can live off that for now. I'll become a better me... and if I can't for myself, I will for you. It's alright, though. I knew deep down that someday you'd fall for someone new, someone better. But baby if he breaks your heart, just know that I'll still be here waiting for you, always.

Yours, Dan.


End file.
